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midnightdiddleIt is, oh horror of horrors, adult!Naru/Iru.
Run away, little fangirls, run away!
*cackles madly*
That said, I give you the controversial pairing of the day!
Oh, yes. There are faint echoes of KakaIru.
The first day after Kakashi’s death was the hardest for Iruka. He showed up for his class as usual, a few minutes ahead of schedule so he could set out his papers, and there was another nin in the classroom. The woman stood, pushing back from Iruka’s desk, and gave Iruka a faint smile.
“I’m the sub for today, Iruka-sensei,” she said, and Iruka couldn’t, for the life of him, give her a name. “The Hokage gave you a few days off for mourning, and-”
“I don’t think that’d be wise,” Iruka said stiffly, swinging his bag from on his shoulder. “The children don’t do well with subs. I’d rather just teach them myself.”
Fifteen minutes later he was standing in front of the chalkboard, clutching a piece of chalk. The children were staring at him, silent for the first time in years, and Iruka wasn’t quite sure how to breathe anymore. His hand felt powdery and dry from the chalk and it slipped from his fingers, shattered on the floor.
Thirty minutes later he was sitting on his couch, a cup of tea in his hands.
“Ne, Iruka-sensei,” Naruto said carefully, “you feeling better?”
He nodded mutely and when Naruto touched his hand, a feather-light brush of skin that was painfully warm, Iruka remembered to drink his tea.
He was going to be alright. Maybe.
x
Naruto wasn’t a boy anymore. Sometime during the last ten years or so he’d grown up. Iruka felt the past few years, with Naruto growing taller and broader, faster and smarter, in the way his old scars burned and new ones didn’t heal as fast. Naruto had grown up and Iruka had grown old.
He should have known that it was inevitable that Kakashi would die. In a way he had, but it’d been easier to smile and laugh and pretend that the copy-nin wasn’t reaching the end of the rope. No one lived forever and ninja lived an even shorter life. Asuma had been dead for years and Gai had just died the year before. Genma was buried under a patch of dirt in the cemetery, had been for the past few months, and it was only a matter of time before Raidou joined him. So it shouldn’t have been a surprise when Iruka was called to the Hokage’s office, when Tsunade handed him a pair of dogtags, but it was.
Naruto had grown up and Iruka had grown stupid.
Stupid old bastard.
x
“Ne, Iruka-sensei,” Naruto said like Naruto said every morning. Iruka stared at the kitchen table, a piece of scratched and worn wood on unsteady legs. His coffee was cold but he didn’t feel much like moving to get a new cup.
“Ne, Sensei.”
The voice, low and lazy and nothing like the Naruto the man used to be, was next to Iruka’s ear and Iruka shifted in his chair, feeling a little guilty.
“Did you sleep?” Naruto asked, plopping a new loaf of bread on the table. The guilt grew a little stronger and Iruka stared at his cup.
“Wasn’t hungry,” he muttered. The bag containing the bread was opened and a few slices were pulled out, then the bag was twisted and the end shoved under weight of the loaf. Iruka stared at the twist-tie left forgotten on the table.
“You need to eat something,” Naruto began, but Iruka pushed his chair back, stood up from the table.
“I’m gonna be late for my class,” he interrupted, grabbing a pile of books and scrolls from the edge of the table. “I’ll talk to you later.”
Iruka was best at running away.
x
“You look sick,” Raidou commented in the mission room. Iruka stamped the papers in front of him, shoved them into a folder.
“Did you want another mission, Raidou-san?”
“San?” Raidou asked without a smile. “Are we that far apart now, Iruka?”
Iruka turned the folder over in his hands, looked down the back. There was a series of numbers and names scribbled on it, mission papers that were missing. Maybe he’d look for them after his shift. They were probably in the filing cabinet or in one of the desks-
“Iruka.”
“Yes, Raidou?” Iruka asked, looking up. Raidou leaned his hands on the table, sighing.
“God, I feel old. You feel that way, Iruka? All the kids are grown up and you’re going to be teaching your students’ kids in a few years. Time’s flown by.”
It wasn’t polite to inform Raidou that time was moving at a snail’s pace, slow enough that Iruka could feel each beat of his heart for what felt like hours. It wasn’t polite and it wasn’t worth it. He was sure Raidou felt the same.
After all, they were both old men.
x
“Sensei,” Naruto snapped. Iruka froze, clenching his students’ papers in his hand. Naruto grabbed the papers, yanked them out of Iruka’s hand, and Iruka swore, flinching. He stuck the side of his finger in his mouth, sucking on the paper cut.
“Sorry,” Naruto said unapologetically, dropping the papers on the table. He grabbed Iruka’s shoulders next, steered the older man into the closest chair and pushed on Iruka’s shoulders until the teacher sat. “You need to eat, you’re losing weight, everyone’s saying that you look like shit, like you never sleep, and-”
“Please let go, Naruto-kun,” Iruka murmured around his bleeding finger, and Naruto lifted his hands, stepping back. “I’m not hungry,” Iruka continued, “and I need to grade the papers. I’ll go to bed after-”
“No, you won’t,” Naruto said angrily. He glared down at Iruka and Iruka fidgeted. “You aren’t doing anything but stare at the bloody walls. You don’t talk to me anymore, you don’t do anything but work and sit in that god damned chair.”
“Naruto-kun, I’m fine. I’m just tired, I’ll go sleep-”
“Stop lying to me!” Naruto slammed his hand against the wall and Iruka flinched again, staring at the table.
“I swear,” he said softly, and he felt Naruto lean close, “I’m fine. I’m fine-”
“I wanna help,” Naruto interrupted. “I want to help you but you never let me and-”
“Don’t need any help-”
“-you helped me after Sakura. I just thought-”
“-I’ll be fine. Just need some sleep-”
“-that I could help you.”
“-and I’ll be fine.”
Naruto sat down in the chair on the other side of the table and dropped his head onto his arms, groaning. “I love you, Iruka-sensei. You’re the only one left, I just don’t want something to happen to you, and you don’t- You never let me help and I feel like shit and I just- God, I don’t know.”
Iruka touched Naruto’s hair, played with the yellow hair. “I’ll be fine,” he lied, and Naruto didn’t look up.
x
Sasuke never came back to Konoha. Team Seven searched for him for a few years, after Naruto came back from training with Jiraiya. They moved through the Akatsuki, then onto Orochimaru, and when they finally made their way into Sound it was too late.
They didn’t bring back the body.
After Sasuke’s death Sakura made jounin. She moved up into ANBU. She was brilliant, perfect, until the day she didn’t come home. Her body was found just a ways outside the borders of Fire country, pecked by birds, and not much could be saved. Her parents were given her dogtags and hitai-ate and Naruto helped them clean out her apartment.
The first few days after cleaning out Sakura’s apartment Naruto didn’t leave his apartment. Iruka slipped in through the window on the third day, a take-out bag from Ichiraku in his hands. He sat on the end of Naruto’s bed and they ate the ramen slowly; Naruto didn’t slurp.
Naruto never said thank you, but then, he didn’t really need to.
x
“You remind me of him,” Iruka said softly, staring at the bread sitting in front of him. The jam was scraped over the toast, barely enough to cover the bread, and the pale red color of the jam made Iruka feel sick. Naruto looked up from across the table, pausing in eating his toast.
“Who?” Naruto asked. Iruka picked at his toast, pulled a piece of the crust off, and tried to decide if he’d be able to keep it down.
“Kakashi. You remind me of him.”
Naruto opened his mouth then closed it, staring down at his own toast. Iruka sighed, tearing another piece off his toast and dropping it onto the plate.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered after a few moments, and Naruto looked up.
“No, I’m not mad,” Naruto said too quickly, “it doesn’t bother me. I just- I didn’t know why. Why?”
Iruka shrugged. “You walk like him. Sometimes you talk like him, or you’ll do something, and it’s like- It’s nice,” he finished lamely. He pushed back from the table, standing up, and Naruto jumped to his feet.
“Where-”
“I’ve got classes,” Iruka said, grabbing his books from the edge of the table. He shifted them in his arms, grabbed a scroll, and started for the door. Naruto followed a half-step behind, hesitating, and Iruka felt sicker as he pushed his feet into his sandals. “I’ll see you later, Naruto-kun.”
When he closed the door on Naruto the younger man looked upset. Iruka couldn’t bring himself to feel much guilt.
x
“Iruka-sensei!”
Iruka froze, shoulders tightening, then turned, tucking books and scrolls under an arm. Naruto was striding through the street, and when he was close enough, he grabbed Iruka’s arm, jerking the teacher forward. Iruka began to stumble and he grabbed Naruto’s shoulder, widening his stance to keep himself upright.
“Naruto-kun,” he began, and his voice was angry, “what the hell-”
“You’ve been avoiding me,” Naruto snapped, and his face was set in anger. Iruka shifted backwards, away from the younger man, and pulled his arm out of Naruto’s hand.
“I haven’t been-”
“I haven’t seen you for days. Every time I try to find you, you disappear. You’ve been avoiding me.”
“You’re being stupid. I’ve been busy, I’ve had work-”
“Liar.” Naruto’s voice was soft, almost inaudible, but it cut Iruka off sharp. The teacher tightened his grip on his books and scrolls, jaw clenched.
“Naruto, now’s not the best time. I need to grade papers, and fix up teams, and-”
“That doesn’t matter!” Naruto snapped. Iruka glanced at the younger man’s face, then looked away.
“What does, then?” He hated the way his voice sounded, low and rough and empty, just like he felt. He hated it all.
“You.”
x
They never made it to Iruka’s bedroom. Iruka dropped the books and scrolls and papers next to the door, in a pile that promised crumpled and ruined forms and grade books. Naruto kicked off his sandals, and they fell on top of Iruka’s.
They fucked on the couch.
It hurt, in a few ways. Naruto was too fast, too rough, and the edge of the couch dug into Iruka’s back. But more than that, it hurt in Iruka’s chest, where his heart was, and he couldn’t breathe, not in the way of panting and gasping for breath because everything felt hot and hard and slick and wet, but in the way where he knew he’d just done something totally, irrevocably wrong.
He’d just fucked everything up.
On the couch.
x
“Ne, Iruka-sensei.” It was drawled in his ear, low and slow and sounding so much like Kakashi that Iruka couldn’t breathe for a moment. Kakashi used to call him ‘sensei,’ used to touch his shoulder, drag his fingers next to Iruka’s neck. Kakashi used to sound just like that.
Naruto dropped a loaf of bread on the table, on top of Iruka’s papers, and Iruka touched the tip of his pen to the topmost paper.
“Would you like toast, Sensei?” Naruto’s fingers were fiddling with the twist tie and Iruka watched them, fascinated. Naruto’s fingernails were broken, and they were black along the edges, underneath the ragged tips. Kakashi’s fingernails used to be just the same, when he got home from missions.
“I’m not…” Iruka trailed off, glancing down at his papers. “I’m not hungry. I have class, and- I’m gonna be late,” he muttered, pushing himself up and away from the table.
He didn’t go home that night.
x
“You idiot!” Naruto was screaming at him, loud and brassy and obnoxious, and all Iruka could think was that Kakashi never screamed at him. Kakashi never screamed, period. Kakashi was never emotionally involved in something to the point of screaming, because if he screamed for something, that meant he cared for something. But Kakashi used to hiss, snarl, snip and snap and bite, and for a moment, Iruka wondered where Kakashi was, why he wasn’t here with Naruto, snarling at him.
When he remembered, he felt sick.
“You idiot,” Naruto said again, and his voice was cloudy, thick with something that seemed suspiciously like tears. Iruka rubbed his hand, fingers bumping against the IV, and wondered if it’d be bad if he smiled. Then he wondered why he cared.
“‘m fine- ‘s not bad, just a scrape…”
“Did you see the fucking blood?” Naruto snarled, and that was Kakashi, peering out through blue eyes like the sky. “Your fucking stomach was torn open, you were dying, and it wasn’t- God, it wasn’t a scrape, and-”
Iruka let his eyes slide shut. He was too tired to try to calm Naruto down, or defend himself, or do anything, except breathe.
“Iruka-sensei?”
When he opened his eyes again, Naruto was sitting close to him, too close for him to focus on the younger man’s face. “Yeah?” he asked, blinking slowly, opening his eyes only when Naruto touched his arm.
“You feeling better?” Naruto sounded pathetically young, and Iruka gave him a small, strained smile.
“I’m fine.” He wondered if it was a lie.
x
“Why’d you take the mission, anyway?” Naruto was sitting next to Iruka’s bed, clumsily peeling an apple with a kunai. For a moment, as he stared at Naruto, Iruka missed Sakura with more than a small pang. Sakura had been so beautiful, velvet over steel, sitting at Naruto’s bed, or Sasuke’s, peeling them apples with small knives that flashed in the light. Just another one of his students, slipping in and out of his life between one breath and the next. Iruka wondered when Naruto would slip out, and follow his teammates.
“Needed the money,” Iruka said noncommittally, fingering the IV poking into the back of his hand. His gut ached, and the edges around the bandage itched.
“Liar,” Naruto said, faux-cheerfully, bent over the apple. “You don’t need the money, I know that. Kakashi-sensei left you-”
“Wanted to get out,” Iruka interrupted, turning his face towards the window. There was a hint of the sun behind the heavy clouds, and he could smell rain on the air.
“With an A-class? You haven’t taken a mission for years, and an A-class…” Naruto trailed off, and his hands clenched around the apple and kunai, fingers still. “Did you want to die?”
Iruka had to blink quickly, staring out the window. He reached out with his hand, felt the IV tug on his skin, and threaded his fingers through Naruto’s hair.
“Maybe.”
x
“Ne, Iruka-sensei.”
Iruka blinked slowly, rubbing his fingers over edge of his table. His coffee was cold, but he was too tired to make more, and he couldn’t find it in himself to care. He felt more than heard Naruto move next to him, behind him, and he blinked again when Naruto’s voice was next to his ear.
“Ne, Sensei,” the man said, “did you sleep?”
Iruka’s limbs felt too heavy to move, full of lead, blood nothing but ice. He was cold, and tired, and he couldn’t make himself care.
“Sensei?” Naruto’s voice was soft, concerned, and his eyes, only inches from Iruka’s, looked like Kakashi’s. Worn, tired, amused and worried, irritated and lazy and perfect. Iruka kissed him.
They fucked in the kitchen, pushing each other against the counters, fast and hard and messy, pulling each other off with jerks and tugs and pulls of their hands. They moaned and hissed and came, liquid heat over their skin and clothes. Iruka blinked, slowly, and left the kitchen, crawling into his bed and pulling the blankets over his head. He didn’t get up for three days. He wondered if it was symbolic.
x
“I’m sorry,” Iruka said desperately, hands clutching Naruto’s skin, fingers digging in beneath the man’s shirt. Naruto didn’t deserve this, this fuck-up of a family and a life. Naruto didn’t deserve any of this, not Sasuke or Sakura or Kakashi or Iruka. Not this group of fuck-ups who ruined Naruto’s life, because they weren’t content with ruining their own.
“Sensei,” Naruto moaned next to Iruka’s ear, and his hips were pressed in against Iruka’s, his hands clutching Iruka’s back, slipping down beneath Iruka’s trousers.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Iruka whispered into Naruto’s neck, shoving his face against the man’s shoulder. “God, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-”
That time, they fucked on the floor of Iruka’s hall.
Afterward, Iruka sat on the tile in his shower, back against the cold wall, hot water burning his skin. He didn’t leave when the water was luke-warm, or chilly, or ice-cold. He didn’t leave when the water ran out, dripping from the showerhead. After a few hours, he crawled out of the shower, pulling a towel from the rack and shoving his face into it, scrubbing at his mostly dry hair. When he finally left the bathroom, still shivering, Naruto was gone. He didn’t know if he felt guilty.
x
“You look like shit,” Raidou remarked in a frank voice that made Iruka sick. The mission room was almost empty, but Iruka couldn’t breathe. There were too many bodies, because there was more than just Iruka and Naruto.
“You okay?” Raidou continued, setting his mission report on the desk in front of Iruka, his fingers pressed down on the paper, trapping it against the table. “I mean, I didn’t think you’d be at work already. It’s only been a few weeks since you got out of the hosp-”
“I’m fine.” Iruka felt short of breath, and when he tried to breath deeper, it just felt worse. He could feel Naruto’s eyes from across the room, weighing his shoulders down.
“Shit,” Raidou said, and his voice sounded painfully cheerful, the way Raidou’s voice always did, ever since Genma puked up his lungs in a mess of vomit and blood. “Shit, you’re fucked, Iruka.”
Iruka blinked slowly, opening his mouth, and closing it again. He couldn’t breathe, his chest was too tight, and Raidou’s face was too close to his. The room felt too hot, and the air was too still, and he could feel eyes, staring at him, burying him, telling him your fault, your fault, fucking students, your fault-
When he was leaning against the wall out in the hall, crouched over a puddle of sick, he could feel hands, big and calloused and far too deft, rubbing his back. He almost didn’t care they were Naruto’s.
x
“Are you ever going back?” Naruto asked, leaning in the doorway. Iruka looked up from the kitchen table, paper spread out across the scratched surface. Naruto lifted his chin, stubborn, and Iruka glanced back down at the paper, ignoring him.
“Ne, Sensei?” Naruto asked, leaning down next to his ear. Iruka blinked and the print swam in his eyes. “Ne, Sensei, you alright?”
“I’m fine,” Iruka snapped, as angry as he could manage, and he shoved himself back from the table, skirting around Naruto to reach the counter. He balled his fists up, on either side of the coffee machine, and he closed his eyes against Naruto’s hot breath on his neck.
“Sensei?”
“Sorry,” Iruka whispered, and he meant it more than he’d ever meant anything before in his life. Naruto left a few hours later and Iruka watched him leave over the top of a coffee mug. He stretched his legs, slumping down on his couch, and he closed his eyes.
It would be nice, he decided, if he could sleep for a while.
It would be very nice.
Run away, little fangirls, run away!
*cackles madly*
That said, I give you the controversial pairing of the day!
Oh, yes. There are faint echoes of KakaIru.
The first day after Kakashi’s death was the hardest for Iruka. He showed up for his class as usual, a few minutes ahead of schedule so he could set out his papers, and there was another nin in the classroom. The woman stood, pushing back from Iruka’s desk, and gave Iruka a faint smile.
“I’m the sub for today, Iruka-sensei,” she said, and Iruka couldn’t, for the life of him, give her a name. “The Hokage gave you a few days off for mourning, and-”
“I don’t think that’d be wise,” Iruka said stiffly, swinging his bag from on his shoulder. “The children don’t do well with subs. I’d rather just teach them myself.”
Fifteen minutes later he was standing in front of the chalkboard, clutching a piece of chalk. The children were staring at him, silent for the first time in years, and Iruka wasn’t quite sure how to breathe anymore. His hand felt powdery and dry from the chalk and it slipped from his fingers, shattered on the floor.
Thirty minutes later he was sitting on his couch, a cup of tea in his hands.
“Ne, Iruka-sensei,” Naruto said carefully, “you feeling better?”
He nodded mutely and when Naruto touched his hand, a feather-light brush of skin that was painfully warm, Iruka remembered to drink his tea.
He was going to be alright. Maybe.
x
Naruto wasn’t a boy anymore. Sometime during the last ten years or so he’d grown up. Iruka felt the past few years, with Naruto growing taller and broader, faster and smarter, in the way his old scars burned and new ones didn’t heal as fast. Naruto had grown up and Iruka had grown old.
He should have known that it was inevitable that Kakashi would die. In a way he had, but it’d been easier to smile and laugh and pretend that the copy-nin wasn’t reaching the end of the rope. No one lived forever and ninja lived an even shorter life. Asuma had been dead for years and Gai had just died the year before. Genma was buried under a patch of dirt in the cemetery, had been for the past few months, and it was only a matter of time before Raidou joined him. So it shouldn’t have been a surprise when Iruka was called to the Hokage’s office, when Tsunade handed him a pair of dogtags, but it was.
Naruto had grown up and Iruka had grown stupid.
Stupid old bastard.
x
“Ne, Iruka-sensei,” Naruto said like Naruto said every morning. Iruka stared at the kitchen table, a piece of scratched and worn wood on unsteady legs. His coffee was cold but he didn’t feel much like moving to get a new cup.
“Ne, Sensei.”
The voice, low and lazy and nothing like the Naruto the man used to be, was next to Iruka’s ear and Iruka shifted in his chair, feeling a little guilty.
“Did you sleep?” Naruto asked, plopping a new loaf of bread on the table. The guilt grew a little stronger and Iruka stared at his cup.
“Wasn’t hungry,” he muttered. The bag containing the bread was opened and a few slices were pulled out, then the bag was twisted and the end shoved under weight of the loaf. Iruka stared at the twist-tie left forgotten on the table.
“You need to eat something,” Naruto began, but Iruka pushed his chair back, stood up from the table.
“I’m gonna be late for my class,” he interrupted, grabbing a pile of books and scrolls from the edge of the table. “I’ll talk to you later.”
Iruka was best at running away.
x
“You look sick,” Raidou commented in the mission room. Iruka stamped the papers in front of him, shoved them into a folder.
“Did you want another mission, Raidou-san?”
“San?” Raidou asked without a smile. “Are we that far apart now, Iruka?”
Iruka turned the folder over in his hands, looked down the back. There was a series of numbers and names scribbled on it, mission papers that were missing. Maybe he’d look for them after his shift. They were probably in the filing cabinet or in one of the desks-
“Iruka.”
“Yes, Raidou?” Iruka asked, looking up. Raidou leaned his hands on the table, sighing.
“God, I feel old. You feel that way, Iruka? All the kids are grown up and you’re going to be teaching your students’ kids in a few years. Time’s flown by.”
It wasn’t polite to inform Raidou that time was moving at a snail’s pace, slow enough that Iruka could feel each beat of his heart for what felt like hours. It wasn’t polite and it wasn’t worth it. He was sure Raidou felt the same.
After all, they were both old men.
x
“Sensei,” Naruto snapped. Iruka froze, clenching his students’ papers in his hand. Naruto grabbed the papers, yanked them out of Iruka’s hand, and Iruka swore, flinching. He stuck the side of his finger in his mouth, sucking on the paper cut.
“Sorry,” Naruto said unapologetically, dropping the papers on the table. He grabbed Iruka’s shoulders next, steered the older man into the closest chair and pushed on Iruka’s shoulders until the teacher sat. “You need to eat, you’re losing weight, everyone’s saying that you look like shit, like you never sleep, and-”
“Please let go, Naruto-kun,” Iruka murmured around his bleeding finger, and Naruto lifted his hands, stepping back. “I’m not hungry,” Iruka continued, “and I need to grade the papers. I’ll go to bed after-”
“No, you won’t,” Naruto said angrily. He glared down at Iruka and Iruka fidgeted. “You aren’t doing anything but stare at the bloody walls. You don’t talk to me anymore, you don’t do anything but work and sit in that god damned chair.”
“Naruto-kun, I’m fine. I’m just tired, I’ll go sleep-”
“Stop lying to me!” Naruto slammed his hand against the wall and Iruka flinched again, staring at the table.
“I swear,” he said softly, and he felt Naruto lean close, “I’m fine. I’m fine-”
“I wanna help,” Naruto interrupted. “I want to help you but you never let me and-”
“Don’t need any help-”
“-you helped me after Sakura. I just thought-”
“-I’ll be fine. Just need some sleep-”
“-that I could help you.”
“-and I’ll be fine.”
Naruto sat down in the chair on the other side of the table and dropped his head onto his arms, groaning. “I love you, Iruka-sensei. You’re the only one left, I just don’t want something to happen to you, and you don’t- You never let me help and I feel like shit and I just- God, I don’t know.”
Iruka touched Naruto’s hair, played with the yellow hair. “I’ll be fine,” he lied, and Naruto didn’t look up.
x
Sasuke never came back to Konoha. Team Seven searched for him for a few years, after Naruto came back from training with Jiraiya. They moved through the Akatsuki, then onto Orochimaru, and when they finally made their way into Sound it was too late.
They didn’t bring back the body.
After Sasuke’s death Sakura made jounin. She moved up into ANBU. She was brilliant, perfect, until the day she didn’t come home. Her body was found just a ways outside the borders of Fire country, pecked by birds, and not much could be saved. Her parents were given her dogtags and hitai-ate and Naruto helped them clean out her apartment.
The first few days after cleaning out Sakura’s apartment Naruto didn’t leave his apartment. Iruka slipped in through the window on the third day, a take-out bag from Ichiraku in his hands. He sat on the end of Naruto’s bed and they ate the ramen slowly; Naruto didn’t slurp.
Naruto never said thank you, but then, he didn’t really need to.
x
“You remind me of him,” Iruka said softly, staring at the bread sitting in front of him. The jam was scraped over the toast, barely enough to cover the bread, and the pale red color of the jam made Iruka feel sick. Naruto looked up from across the table, pausing in eating his toast.
“Who?” Naruto asked. Iruka picked at his toast, pulled a piece of the crust off, and tried to decide if he’d be able to keep it down.
“Kakashi. You remind me of him.”
Naruto opened his mouth then closed it, staring down at his own toast. Iruka sighed, tearing another piece off his toast and dropping it onto the plate.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered after a few moments, and Naruto looked up.
“No, I’m not mad,” Naruto said too quickly, “it doesn’t bother me. I just- I didn’t know why. Why?”
Iruka shrugged. “You walk like him. Sometimes you talk like him, or you’ll do something, and it’s like- It’s nice,” he finished lamely. He pushed back from the table, standing up, and Naruto jumped to his feet.
“Where-”
“I’ve got classes,” Iruka said, grabbing his books from the edge of the table. He shifted them in his arms, grabbed a scroll, and started for the door. Naruto followed a half-step behind, hesitating, and Iruka felt sicker as he pushed his feet into his sandals. “I’ll see you later, Naruto-kun.”
When he closed the door on Naruto the younger man looked upset. Iruka couldn’t bring himself to feel much guilt.
x
“Iruka-sensei!”
Iruka froze, shoulders tightening, then turned, tucking books and scrolls under an arm. Naruto was striding through the street, and when he was close enough, he grabbed Iruka’s arm, jerking the teacher forward. Iruka began to stumble and he grabbed Naruto’s shoulder, widening his stance to keep himself upright.
“Naruto-kun,” he began, and his voice was angry, “what the hell-”
“You’ve been avoiding me,” Naruto snapped, and his face was set in anger. Iruka shifted backwards, away from the younger man, and pulled his arm out of Naruto’s hand.
“I haven’t been-”
“I haven’t seen you for days. Every time I try to find you, you disappear. You’ve been avoiding me.”
“You’re being stupid. I’ve been busy, I’ve had work-”
“Liar.” Naruto’s voice was soft, almost inaudible, but it cut Iruka off sharp. The teacher tightened his grip on his books and scrolls, jaw clenched.
“Naruto, now’s not the best time. I need to grade papers, and fix up teams, and-”
“That doesn’t matter!” Naruto snapped. Iruka glanced at the younger man’s face, then looked away.
“What does, then?” He hated the way his voice sounded, low and rough and empty, just like he felt. He hated it all.
“You.”
x
They never made it to Iruka’s bedroom. Iruka dropped the books and scrolls and papers next to the door, in a pile that promised crumpled and ruined forms and grade books. Naruto kicked off his sandals, and they fell on top of Iruka’s.
They fucked on the couch.
It hurt, in a few ways. Naruto was too fast, too rough, and the edge of the couch dug into Iruka’s back. But more than that, it hurt in Iruka’s chest, where his heart was, and he couldn’t breathe, not in the way of panting and gasping for breath because everything felt hot and hard and slick and wet, but in the way where he knew he’d just done something totally, irrevocably wrong.
He’d just fucked everything up.
On the couch.
x
“Ne, Iruka-sensei.” It was drawled in his ear, low and slow and sounding so much like Kakashi that Iruka couldn’t breathe for a moment. Kakashi used to call him ‘sensei,’ used to touch his shoulder, drag his fingers next to Iruka’s neck. Kakashi used to sound just like that.
Naruto dropped a loaf of bread on the table, on top of Iruka’s papers, and Iruka touched the tip of his pen to the topmost paper.
“Would you like toast, Sensei?” Naruto’s fingers were fiddling with the twist tie and Iruka watched them, fascinated. Naruto’s fingernails were broken, and they were black along the edges, underneath the ragged tips. Kakashi’s fingernails used to be just the same, when he got home from missions.
“I’m not…” Iruka trailed off, glancing down at his papers. “I’m not hungry. I have class, and- I’m gonna be late,” he muttered, pushing himself up and away from the table.
He didn’t go home that night.
x
“You idiot!” Naruto was screaming at him, loud and brassy and obnoxious, and all Iruka could think was that Kakashi never screamed at him. Kakashi never screamed, period. Kakashi was never emotionally involved in something to the point of screaming, because if he screamed for something, that meant he cared for something. But Kakashi used to hiss, snarl, snip and snap and bite, and for a moment, Iruka wondered where Kakashi was, why he wasn’t here with Naruto, snarling at him.
When he remembered, he felt sick.
“You idiot,” Naruto said again, and his voice was cloudy, thick with something that seemed suspiciously like tears. Iruka rubbed his hand, fingers bumping against the IV, and wondered if it’d be bad if he smiled. Then he wondered why he cared.
“‘m fine- ‘s not bad, just a scrape…”
“Did you see the fucking blood?” Naruto snarled, and that was Kakashi, peering out through blue eyes like the sky. “Your fucking stomach was torn open, you were dying, and it wasn’t- God, it wasn’t a scrape, and-”
Iruka let his eyes slide shut. He was too tired to try to calm Naruto down, or defend himself, or do anything, except breathe.
“Iruka-sensei?”
When he opened his eyes again, Naruto was sitting close to him, too close for him to focus on the younger man’s face. “Yeah?” he asked, blinking slowly, opening his eyes only when Naruto touched his arm.
“You feeling better?” Naruto sounded pathetically young, and Iruka gave him a small, strained smile.
“I’m fine.” He wondered if it was a lie.
x
“Why’d you take the mission, anyway?” Naruto was sitting next to Iruka’s bed, clumsily peeling an apple with a kunai. For a moment, as he stared at Naruto, Iruka missed Sakura with more than a small pang. Sakura had been so beautiful, velvet over steel, sitting at Naruto’s bed, or Sasuke’s, peeling them apples with small knives that flashed in the light. Just another one of his students, slipping in and out of his life between one breath and the next. Iruka wondered when Naruto would slip out, and follow his teammates.
“Needed the money,” Iruka said noncommittally, fingering the IV poking into the back of his hand. His gut ached, and the edges around the bandage itched.
“Liar,” Naruto said, faux-cheerfully, bent over the apple. “You don’t need the money, I know that. Kakashi-sensei left you-”
“Wanted to get out,” Iruka interrupted, turning his face towards the window. There was a hint of the sun behind the heavy clouds, and he could smell rain on the air.
“With an A-class? You haven’t taken a mission for years, and an A-class…” Naruto trailed off, and his hands clenched around the apple and kunai, fingers still. “Did you want to die?”
Iruka had to blink quickly, staring out the window. He reached out with his hand, felt the IV tug on his skin, and threaded his fingers through Naruto’s hair.
“Maybe.”
x
“Ne, Iruka-sensei.”
Iruka blinked slowly, rubbing his fingers over edge of his table. His coffee was cold, but he was too tired to make more, and he couldn’t find it in himself to care. He felt more than heard Naruto move next to him, behind him, and he blinked again when Naruto’s voice was next to his ear.
“Ne, Sensei,” the man said, “did you sleep?”
Iruka’s limbs felt too heavy to move, full of lead, blood nothing but ice. He was cold, and tired, and he couldn’t make himself care.
“Sensei?” Naruto’s voice was soft, concerned, and his eyes, only inches from Iruka’s, looked like Kakashi’s. Worn, tired, amused and worried, irritated and lazy and perfect. Iruka kissed him.
They fucked in the kitchen, pushing each other against the counters, fast and hard and messy, pulling each other off with jerks and tugs and pulls of their hands. They moaned and hissed and came, liquid heat over their skin and clothes. Iruka blinked, slowly, and left the kitchen, crawling into his bed and pulling the blankets over his head. He didn’t get up for three days. He wondered if it was symbolic.
x
“I’m sorry,” Iruka said desperately, hands clutching Naruto’s skin, fingers digging in beneath the man’s shirt. Naruto didn’t deserve this, this fuck-up of a family and a life. Naruto didn’t deserve any of this, not Sasuke or Sakura or Kakashi or Iruka. Not this group of fuck-ups who ruined Naruto’s life, because they weren’t content with ruining their own.
“Sensei,” Naruto moaned next to Iruka’s ear, and his hips were pressed in against Iruka’s, his hands clutching Iruka’s back, slipping down beneath Iruka’s trousers.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Iruka whispered into Naruto’s neck, shoving his face against the man’s shoulder. “God, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-”
That time, they fucked on the floor of Iruka’s hall.
Afterward, Iruka sat on the tile in his shower, back against the cold wall, hot water burning his skin. He didn’t leave when the water was luke-warm, or chilly, or ice-cold. He didn’t leave when the water ran out, dripping from the showerhead. After a few hours, he crawled out of the shower, pulling a towel from the rack and shoving his face into it, scrubbing at his mostly dry hair. When he finally left the bathroom, still shivering, Naruto was gone. He didn’t know if he felt guilty.
x
“You look like shit,” Raidou remarked in a frank voice that made Iruka sick. The mission room was almost empty, but Iruka couldn’t breathe. There were too many bodies, because there was more than just Iruka and Naruto.
“You okay?” Raidou continued, setting his mission report on the desk in front of Iruka, his fingers pressed down on the paper, trapping it against the table. “I mean, I didn’t think you’d be at work already. It’s only been a few weeks since you got out of the hosp-”
“I’m fine.” Iruka felt short of breath, and when he tried to breath deeper, it just felt worse. He could feel Naruto’s eyes from across the room, weighing his shoulders down.
“Shit,” Raidou said, and his voice sounded painfully cheerful, the way Raidou’s voice always did, ever since Genma puked up his lungs in a mess of vomit and blood. “Shit, you’re fucked, Iruka.”
Iruka blinked slowly, opening his mouth, and closing it again. He couldn’t breathe, his chest was too tight, and Raidou’s face was too close to his. The room felt too hot, and the air was too still, and he could feel eyes, staring at him, burying him, telling him your fault, your fault, fucking students, your fault-
When he was leaning against the wall out in the hall, crouched over a puddle of sick, he could feel hands, big and calloused and far too deft, rubbing his back. He almost didn’t care they were Naruto’s.
x
“Are you ever going back?” Naruto asked, leaning in the doorway. Iruka looked up from the kitchen table, paper spread out across the scratched surface. Naruto lifted his chin, stubborn, and Iruka glanced back down at the paper, ignoring him.
“Ne, Sensei?” Naruto asked, leaning down next to his ear. Iruka blinked and the print swam in his eyes. “Ne, Sensei, you alright?”
“I’m fine,” Iruka snapped, as angry as he could manage, and he shoved himself back from the table, skirting around Naruto to reach the counter. He balled his fists up, on either side of the coffee machine, and he closed his eyes against Naruto’s hot breath on his neck.
“Sensei?”
“Sorry,” Iruka whispered, and he meant it more than he’d ever meant anything before in his life. Naruto left a few hours later and Iruka watched him leave over the top of a coffee mug. He stretched his legs, slumping down on his couch, and he closed his eyes.
It would be nice, he decided, if he could sleep for a while.
It would be very nice.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2006-06-01 08:58 am (UTC)*cries* Poor broken Iruka. I just *knew* that it would NaruIru. And it's mostly NaruIru, coz Iruka is too broken and in pieces to really care, because he misses Kakashi too much... >.<
The bits where Iruka sees the similarities are so poignant and sharp, and how Iruka reacts to the guilt and disgust with himself... Poor Iruka!
I love your angst. *wibbles*
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Date: 2006-06-03 08:23 am (UTC)And ah, thank you! So glad you liked it, and just so glad. And I'm especially glad that it, ya'know, touched you. That you felt for Iruka. :)
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Date: 2006-06-03 08:50 am (UTC)Oh, and I love your HMS Plot Device. So very cute, and in character for HMS Paradise. Not to pressure, but would you be updating it anytime soon? I am in sore need of Sir Dolphin loving. ^_^
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Date: 2006-06-03 09:04 am (UTC)And HMS Paradise... Honestly, I don't know when we'll update.
But I'm glad you like HMS Paradise so much! It makes me very happy. XD
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Date: 2006-06-03 09:26 am (UTC)So in the meantime, I'll just read all your other fics and cry. Coz they make me cry. And Iruka's angst is... well.
Did you write anymore non-angst fics?
Oh, BTW, would you be continuing Paper Cranes? I love that fic - obscene paper cranes. ^_^
heh, I just checked your ffnet account, and hey, you've updated! You know, you have the wonderful ability to make me like *anything* you write. I have the very irresistable urge to ask you to write OroIru, because I'm curious as to how it'd turn out. ^_^ Just a very non-subtle hint. I'd write anything you want in return!
Yeah. Thanks for sharing your work. It's fantastic. I wish I could write like that. So short, and so succinct!! >.<
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Date: 2006-06-03 09:40 am (UTC)Paper Cranes...I don't know. Yes. It will be continued, but like everything else... I don't quite have the energy to work on long fics, so I spend most of my time writing one-shots. But yeah, it'll be continued, in time. :)
Hehe. Yup, I did a fic-drop on ff.net last night. I'm so glad that you like my stuff... And dangit, you made me think of OroIru. Let's see...
The Academy teacher certainly wasn't something to be as intriguing as he was. He was average, not much more. Average strength, average chakra, average speed and knowledge and seals. Everything about him was average.
The way he was kept getting up, though, was anything but average.
"Why don't you stay down?" Orochimaru asked almost boredly, flicking his sword, slicing through cloth and flesh and muscle and bone. The teacher stumbled to his knees, fell to the ground.
"Sasuke-kun-" The teacher was getting up again, over-balancing and falling back, arms hanging by his sides, blood dripping from fingertips to dirt.
Orochimaru didn't have time for this. The village was burning, like a vision of hell, and he needed to reclaim his vessel, reset his life, start it over again, a never-ending game with never-ending lives.
"Really, Sensei," he said, and he grabbed the teacher's hair, pulling his head back, edge of his sword next to the throat, "you should learn when to stay down."
The teacher didn't move, not when his throat was slit. Orochimaru twitched his fingers, his sword flicking, blood splattering, and continued on his way, through fire and brimstone and all of hell towards Sasuke and his own personal redemption.
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Date: 2006-06-03 09:51 am (UTC)I hate Orochimaru now. >.<He's so... self-centered. It's like he never grew up. And yet. I feel sorry for him, because he doesn't see. ARGH.
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Date: 2006-06-03 09:57 am (UTC)Do you want another drabble? To kinda make up for it? Though I'd probably kill someone in that drabble, too. >< .
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Date: 2006-06-03 10:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-03 10:34 am (UTC)There's a few years for boys, between childhood and the teenage years, that they look like girls. They're pretty, wispy and fragile, bones thin as twigs, and they look so much like girls, it's near impossible to tell them apart.
There's a few years for boys, between childhood and the teenage years, that there are missions they'd rather die than talk about. They're too pretty by half, like girls, and the mission desk knows this, uses this for their own advantage.
Iruka was sitting in the water, pack back by the edge of the river. He tore at his hair, shoving his head beneath the water, scrubbing like mad. His sensei stood on the bank, arms crossed, watching silently. Iruka looked up, eyes hard, blood running thready through the water on his face.
"Never again." Iruka's voice sounded stubborn and a half, and his sensei sighed, glancing away.
"Never what, Iruka?"
"I'm not pretending to be a girl. I'm not a woman, I'm not-" Iruka snarled something incoherent and scrubbed at the dried blood caked on his arms, melting away in the water.
"Not what, Iruka?"
"I'm not weak!" Iruka looked small there, sitting in the river, wrists thin and face pale. His sensei knelt next to Iruka's pack, digging through it to find some warm clothes for the boy.
"No," he said, and he promised himself he wasn't lying, "you're not."
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Date: 2006-06-03 10:43 am (UTC)It's just like I thought, and worse. There isn't an idea that you *can't* make non-angsty can you? ARGH!! I've a good mind to suddenly turn Iruka 1/2 into angst, and then my sister will kill me. *cries* Poor fragile teenage egos, poor Iruka. I should stop asking for Iruka drabbles, but I think I can't seem to stop. It's like picking a very big scab; it hurts, but it's irresistable.
Your work sparkles, like black diamonds. Very very black and bloody diamonds.
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Date: 2006-06-03 10:56 am (UTC)Why do I get the feeling that Iruka's gonna get sent on more missions like that? (and boy, what would I give to see him on one. )
Love it. You are so kind.
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Date: 2006-06-03 03:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-03 09:15 pm (UTC)Yeah, that makes sense. And I'm still sort of pissed off that Iruka is looked down upon because he's 'just' chuunin. I thought it was hard as hell to become a chuunin! Only Shikamaru made it that time! (yet my brothers behave like Iruka's a wuss. Shows what they know)
If you want, you can request a drabble! I'll try my best to write one for you... Though it'd probably turn out to be a one-shot rather than a real drabble. ><. Thanks!
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Date: 2006-06-03 09:31 am (UTC)Beautiful, tragic work. Tragic beautiful goddess Iruka. *stunned*
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Date: 2006-06-03 09:45 am (UTC)>< To be honest, Boy Girl was a very sore spot with me today, 'cause it got like, almost 200 hits, and a c2, but not one review. *emo* So thank you, this means so much. Seriously. THANK YOU.
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Date: 2006-06-03 09:59 am (UTC)Anko-Iruka. It's a pairing that I didn't like, but heck, you made me like it, and only if it's from you or some very few other writers. I am jealous. Really.
And Kakashi's going slowly insane.
What really got me, though, was the fact that all those students. They are all dying, dying like flies, because their caring teacher isn't there to teach them, and they're stuck with some useless substitute who's teaching them the wrong things. So many implications! And Iruka going to pieces like that. It's so fitting that kakashi just goes and fucks him, and Iruka starts trying to be like Anko, as though he had died and Anko's the one living, and they are all f--d up.
My exams are soooo f--d up too. Thank you for great fics.
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Date: 2006-06-03 10:06 am (UTC)And yeah. They're all completely insane. It was a little drabble I wrote for
But oh! Study for your exams, 'kay? 'cause school's always important (even if I avoid it like the plague).
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Date: 2006-06-03 10:21 am (UTC)Oooh, I've read a couple of those fics online, at HiddenVillage! I love Genma and Raidou's sheep trick. All the innuendo, and it's a sheep in Ibiki's room! *cackles* Because people take Ibiki seriously far too often. ^_^
Little prayers. OMG, the little prayers. I'm a non practising Catholic, and after that, I want to start praying for real. Please, don't let Kakashi die, don't let Iruka die, don't let Neji die, don't let Tenten die... *cries*
OMG. Kinda like ANBU waiting room. Just... OMG. They're being EATEN and DIGESTED, and they want to play rummy? Why not? after all, there isn't much point panicking, is there? ^_^ I'm guessing Ino *could* possess Zetsu and make him throw them up or something... Nothing to worry about. ^_^
Lovely fics. Lovely lovely... and I've run out of adjectives.
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Date: 2006-06-03 10:09 am (UTC)And it is so incharacter! He lets Asuma fuck him, cause he feels guilty, not because he actually *is* helpless. It hurts so much to see that, and in the end, after all that, Asuma accuses him. I'm rather amazed it took Asuma that long, really. And then Kakashi isn't playing anymore. Which can be read two ways, but both ways are chilling, scary and horrifying. Poor every shinobi of Konoha. They used to be so happy! *cries*
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Date: 2006-06-01 09:12 am (UTC)I think I must be some kind of masochist to keep reading you... ;)
It was so nice ! I think Drelfina pretty much sums it up.
Thank you for sharing.
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Date: 2006-06-03 08:23 am (UTC)I write the occasional happy things, promise! But I hope you're not too masochistic, to read me. XD
Glad you liked it!
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Date: 2006-06-01 10:12 pm (UTC)Ugh, between you and Dark and her Eight Gates, I'm gonna go crawl in a hole and write about possession. And not the fun kind. *sighs*
But this was good. :) As usual, you have beautiful turns of phrases and ways of making things hurt. Loved the bit about Sakura peeling apples at the edge of the bed, and Raidou sounding cheerfully pained ever since Genma died. Physical descriptions would have been handy, 'cause with the 'Ne, sensei" I kept imagining 12-year-old Naruto, and then I'd have to stop and revise. *grins* But this was lovely. :)
J
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Date: 2006-06-03 08:35 am (UTC)But writing about possession would certainly be interesting! Do it, do it!
But really, thank you. I'm so glad you thought it was good. And yeah, now that I think on it... See, I had this certain image in mind, the entire time I wrote the fic. This right here. (http://w2.oekakibbs.com/bbs/mouikko/data/727.jpg) And so when I wrote it, it entirely slipped my mind, that he might... But in a way, it's good, ya'know? 'cause to Iruka, Naruto still is a kid, still is his student (which makes it all the worse).
So thank you! <3~ .
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Date: 2006-06-03 09:23 pm (UTC)Ahhhh. That makes TOTAL sense. *grins*
And I did! Just the ending to go, and Dark's beta'ing, and woot! It gets posted. :D
Oh, god. That pic ROCKS. Who did it? It's phenomenal! It's like, "Look! look! Here's a role-reversal! Only, not!" Now I totally love this fic even more.
...Naruto's hot. *headdesk* Nooooooo! My brain is broken. BROKEN.
And, yeah, still his student. *grins* Poor Iruka. We love tormenting him so. :D
J
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Date: 2006-06-04 12:50 am (UTC)And Naruto's gorgeous, and omg, just LOVE. *continues blabbing about pretty pretty picture...* Umm... I knew who drew it, once upon a time, but that knowledge has been lost to the ages. They were a Japanese artist, though... >< *guilt*
And I can't wait to read your fic!
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Date: 2006-06-02 05:27 am (UTC)Just another one of his students, slipping in and out of his life between one breath and the next.
That sentance just killed me. It made my heart turn into a little ball of ash and just weep for pain. Because life truly is like that and it just brought home to me how truly fleeting life is. You are the queen of angst. No one will ever be able to top Kiki when it comes to pulling people's heartstrings like you do. Amazingly well done. Poor Naruto. I just feel so sorry for him.
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Date: 2006-06-03 08:38 am (UTC)So, glad you liked it, especially since you hate NaruIru.
And just wait, crazier pairing are to come.no subject
Date: 2006-06-03 07:45 am (UTC)*adding to memories*
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Date: 2006-06-03 08:38 am (UTC)*glomps*
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Date: 2006-06-04 06:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-06 07:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-09-10 12:23 pm (UTC)